I guess we do movie reviews too!
Remember Conan the Barbarian played by my governator's Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well I do and it was one of the best sword and fantasy flicks I recall seeing. However, being a lover of cheesy B-movies I picked this gem up in the bargain bin at a local video store for a dollar. Best investment ever. What or who exactly is Deathstalker?
I am glad you ask. To answer that I will go over with you the first 10 minutes of the movie.
We first begin our movie with some thug who is apparently gonna rape (a popular theme in this movie) an innocent girl. Unfortunately, this is monster territory and they want their loot and girl back. The guy pretty much gives up the girl without putting up a fight and makes a run for it. Being chased by the monster, he approaches a hut where he sees a horse and decides to steal it.
Oh shit, this dude pops out. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Deathstalker (Rick Hill). He quickly and firmly tells the thief that is his horse. And the guy apologizes. By now the monster catches up and sees Deathstalker and says that their fight is not with him. Deathstalker then, without warning, does the most logical thing.
He slaughters everyone. The last guy alive is the thief, and upon seeing what Deathstalker did begins to barter for his life.
The conversation goes something like this:
T: Thanks buddy!
D: ...
T: Erm, how about I give you half of the treasure I found?
D: ...
T: Uh, I mean you can have it all! The loot and the girl!
D: I intend to.
T: ...wait wha!
Holy mackerel! This dude just killed him! I guess he had it coming. It was his horse after all. Plus now he gets a girl and money! Win for Deathstalker!
The girl is of course terrified of Deathstalker. Who wouldn't be? The dude the massacred a group of goblin things and a thief without effort.
By now you're probably thinking. This dude is a hero just like Conan or the Beastmaster. Well I can definitely tell you he is not. Here he is putting his rape face on. That's right folks, Deathstalker is gets his game going and the girl seeing how futile it is to resist just goes along with it.
That is until this old geezer pops up and interrupts his fantasy sword swinging skills. Irritated Deathstalker asks what the old man wants. "Your name!" he coughs up.
This guy just murdered a bunch of living things, is proceeding to screw this chick, and this old man has the nerve to interrupt his session? I thought Deathstalker was going to kill the dude, but instead he just tells him to wait outside while he finishes polishing his newly acquired treasure.
Seeing an opportunity because the old man distracted the raping brute, the girl manages to slip away. Deathstalker decides not to pursue out of pure laziness.
Outside we meet this king sitting in the middle of a forest. WTF right?
Well Deathstalker thought the same thing and says to the effect that what kind of king does not even have a castle or an army. Even Munkar has a castle. "But Munkar was my magician!". "Whatever" thinks Deathstalker. The king then tells Deathstalker that he needs to get back his castle and position. Deathstalker tells him he needs an army and the one he currently has, Munkar could wipe out by just pissing on them. The king then proclaims that they need a man. Deathstalker scaffolds and states he needs a fool. Debating against him, the king replies that he needs a hero. DUN DAHN DUNNNNNN. In a last sales pitch, the king also claims that Munkar has his daughter.
With a douche attitude and real-life thinking, Deathstalker gives "Oh well sucks to be you" speech. And then Deathstalker leaves. That's right. HE LEAVES.
That's the first 10 minutes!
Deathstalker eventually does heads to Munkar's castle but not in accord to the king, but for two selfish reasons: (1) He gets more boobies and (2) he becomes ultimate power. That's it. He also joins up with three other companions.
Oghris (Richard Brooker) who is completely gay even though he sleeps with women. I mean look at his vest armor! It would be less gay if he was shirtless. There is even a scene where he fights his "friend" Deathstalker in the bedroom...literally!
Salmaron(Augusto Larreta) is perhaps the most compassionate useless companion, but he does give Deathstalker his sword which makes him invincible. He eventually gets some 'action' as well.
Kaira (Lana Clarkson) is my favorite of the companions. She's a warrior women who, for most of her short screen time, battles bare chested. Not only that she stakes Darkstalker as her own personal sex object, but she also can kick some serious butt. It really is a shame that she dies pretty quickly, however she gets her own spin off The Barbarian Queen.
Remember Conan the Barbarian played by my governator's Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well I do and it was one of the best sword and fantasy flicks I recall seeing. However, being a lover of cheesy B-movies I picked this gem up in the bargain bin at a local video store for a dollar. Best investment ever. What or who exactly is Deathstalker?I am glad you ask. To answer that I will go over with you the first 10 minutes of the movie.
We first begin our movie with some thug who is apparently gonna rape (a popular theme in this movie) an innocent girl. Unfortunately, this is monster territory and they want their loot and girl back. The guy pretty much gives up the girl without putting up a fight and makes a run for it. Being chased by the monster, he approaches a hut where he sees a horse and decides to steal it.
Oh shit, this dude pops out. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Deathstalker (Rick Hill). He quickly and firmly tells the thief that is his horse. And the guy apologizes. By now the monster catches up and sees Deathstalker and says that their fight is not with him. Deathstalker then, without warning, does the most logical thing.
He slaughters everyone. The last guy alive is the thief, and upon seeing what Deathstalker did begins to barter for his life.
The conversation goes something like this:T: Thanks buddy!
D: ...
T: Erm, how about I give you half of the treasure I found?
D: ...
T: Uh, I mean you can have it all! The loot and the girl!
D: I intend to.
T: ...wait wha!
Holy mackerel! This dude just killed him! I guess he had it coming. It was his horse after all. Plus now he gets a girl and money! Win for Deathstalker!
The girl is of course terrified of Deathstalker. Who wouldn't be? The dude the massacred a group of goblin things and a thief without effort.
By now you're probably thinking. This dude is a hero just like Conan or the Beastmaster. Well I can definitely tell you he is not. Here he is putting his rape face on. That's right folks, Deathstalker is gets his game going and the girl seeing how futile it is to resist just goes along with it.
That is until this old geezer pops up and interrupts his fantasy sword swinging skills. Irritated Deathstalker asks what the old man wants. "Your name!" he coughs up.
This guy just murdered a bunch of living things, is proceeding to screw this chick, and this old man has the nerve to interrupt his session? I thought Deathstalker was going to kill the dude, but instead he just tells him to wait outside while he finishes polishing his newly acquired treasure.
Seeing an opportunity because the old man distracted the raping brute, the girl manages to slip away. Deathstalker decides not to pursue out of pure laziness.
Outside we meet this king sitting in the middle of a forest. WTF right?
Well Deathstalker thought the same thing and says to the effect that what kind of king does not even have a castle or an army. Even Munkar has a castle. "But Munkar was my magician!". "Whatever" thinks Deathstalker. The king then tells Deathstalker that he needs to get back his castle and position. Deathstalker tells him he needs an army and the one he currently has, Munkar could wipe out by just pissing on them. The king then proclaims that they need a man. Deathstalker scaffolds and states he needs a fool. Debating against him, the king replies that he needs a hero. DUN DAHN DUNNNNNN. In a last sales pitch, the king also claims that Munkar has his daughter.
With a douche attitude and real-life thinking, Deathstalker gives "Oh well sucks to be you" speech. And then Deathstalker leaves. That's right. HE LEAVES.That's the first 10 minutes!
Deathstalker eventually does heads to Munkar's castle but not in accord to the king, but for two selfish reasons: (1) He gets more boobies and (2) he becomes ultimate power. That's it. He also joins up with three other companions.
Oghris (Richard Brooker) who is completely gay even though he sleeps with women. I mean look at his vest armor! It would be less gay if he was shirtless. There is even a scene where he fights his "friend" Deathstalker in the bedroom...literally!
Salmaron(Augusto Larreta) is perhaps the most compassionate useless companion, but he does give Deathstalker his sword which makes him invincible. He eventually gets some 'action' as well.
Kaira (Lana Clarkson) is my favorite of the companions. She's a warrior women who, for most of her short screen time, battles bare chested. Not only that she stakes Darkstalker as her own personal sex object, but she also can kick some serious butt. It really is a shame that she dies pretty quickly, however she gets her own spin off The Barbarian Queen.Ending Spoiler:
It would be dumb to say that this is a spoiler because the movie is just darn old (1983). But Deathstalker eventually confronts Munkar and takes the items that gives him power so he may become the power. However, in a strange and out of character moment Deathstalker gives up all the power and destroys the items including his super sword. Munkar is still alive and crying like a baby. Now in most cases the hero would finish off the villian, but Deathstalker is no hero. Instead we see him snap back into character and lets the town folk kill Munkar for themselves. Deathstalker just watched and did not show any real reaction. And that is how it ends, but not for the series. Nope. Instead we are given 3 more Deathstalker sequels.
Movie verdit: Do watch!
It would be dumb to say that this is a spoiler because the movie is just darn old (1983). But Deathstalker eventually confronts Munkar and takes the items that gives him power so he may become the power. However, in a strange and out of character moment Deathstalker gives up all the power and destroys the items including his super sword. Munkar is still alive and crying like a baby. Now in most cases the hero would finish off the villian, but Deathstalker is no hero. Instead we see him snap back into character and lets the town folk kill Munkar for themselves. Deathstalker just watched and did not show any real reaction. And that is how it ends, but not for the series. Nope. Instead we are given 3 more Deathstalker sequels.
Movie verdit: Do watch!
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